The Unrivaled Leader : Part 3 – How to TAKE Feedback

To misquote an old Seinfeld episode where he arrived at a car rental location and they had his reservation but not his car:
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“Anyone can take a reservation! They key is to hold the reservation.”

Anyone can receive feedback.  Heck, just use some of the suggestions in Part 2 and you’ll be getting a whole lot of feedback!   But how do you make this feedback stick?  How do you TAKE it?  What do you do with that feedback?  Well, that’s why we’re here, right?

    • First and foremost, think about how you’d want your boss to behave when he asked you for feedback on her/him?  That should guide your behavior in general, but specifically when listening to feedback.  As you are providing input to your superior, what do you want them to do?  Picture in your mind a session where you’re giving your boss feedback and she/he is behaving exactly as you want them to.  What does that look and sound like? That is a clue as to how you should behave.
    • When receiving feedback, unless it becomes insulting or denigrating, just sit and listen.  Shut up.  Do not offer debate or contradiction.  Let the person and give them your undivided attention.
    • No matter how crazy the feedback is, think yourself “could this possibly be true?”  After all, someone thinks this, so it’s a perception.  And this perception could be held by many.  Just consider the possibility.  Could this possibly be true?
    • Watch your body language.  Don’t sigh, roll your eyes or deflect.  Be respectful and professional.  This is ESPECIALLY true if you’re receiving feedback from a group.  How you behave when receiving feedback immediately paints your staff’s perception of you.   Don’t interrupt and provide your perspective.

Once you have received the feedback:

    • Don’t necessarily attempt to solve the problem at that very moment.  If you can, then that’s great.  Otherwise, take notes and make sure you get back to the person.
    • If you’ve been asked to solve particular problems, make it a priority to do so and report back.  If you are asked to solve things that cannot be solved, report that as well.  Just provide accurate and timely feedback.  Make sure you close out the request.  You’re either going to act upon the feedback or not.  If you’re not, make sure people know why and then move on.
    • Be humble.  Thank the person for the feedback.  They’re going out on a limb and taking the time to educate you on something you may not be perceiving.  It’s a great service that not everyone will partake in.  So many people just quietly grumble or spread bad negative information rather than taking the time to tell you what’s on their mind.  Others are in need of assistance, whether with tools or support.  Others just need someone to listen to their concerns, even if you cannot solve them.
    • In a group setting, if the feedback is hostile, insulting, or tries to “incite a riot” by getting others to join in, you need to diffuse this.   It’s important and completely acceptable to cut the feedback short and ask everyone to please be polite.  Alternatively, you can ask if this can be discussed privately or at a later time (maybe right after the meeting).
    • Be self-deprecating.  Don’t take yourself too seriously or act in shock or get irritated, as if you are beyond reproach.  If the feedback you are receiving is total nonsense, you’ll be able to address that at a separate time.  Don’t be sarcastic or ridicule the person providing the information.

The bottom line is that it’s a service that someone is performing when they bravely provide feedback.  You can’t ask your managers or lower staff to seek and accept feedback if you are not willing to do the same.  Most importantly, there is going to be feedback that is 100% accurate and, if received and acted upon, will improve you as a leader.

Finally, as will be discussed in a later Part, acting in this way – asking for feedback, really listening, and acting on the feedback received – makes you a strong and admired leader, and this will only increase the respect your team will have for you.  By receiving feedback, your staff will be more willing to receive and heed your feedback to them.  It’s a win-win.

Anecdote: A while ago I was part of a focus group that was called together to provide one of my superiors feedback.  That person was at our table, and their job was to ask for feedback and write it down dutifully.  Instead of doing that, this person continued to remark “That’s not true!”  or “Really?  Really?  How can you feel that way?”  If it weren’t for the fact that they were bungling this session to the point of being funny, those of us providing feedback would have been upset.  The message to us was “we don’t really want your feedback”.

But YOU do.
Next: Part 4 – Don’t Bullshit

The Unrivaled Leader : Part 2 – How to Get Feedback

Alright, now you’re on the right track.  You have decided that feedback is essential to your success.  And you’re title/position is anything from an entry-level staff member to a C-level member of executive leadership.  Good for you!

In my attempt to make these posts direct and useful, without further ado, here are some specific ideas about where and how to gain feedback –

  1. Always end the conversation with “what can I do better for you?”  The job of an effective manager is to communicate a strategy or direction to staff members, provide the necessary tools and/or guidance to reach that ultimate goal, and – get the heck out of the way.   But before getting out of the way, keep tabs on performance by ending discussions with questions about what YOU can do for the staff person. Don’t make every interaction a coaching session.  What you really want is your staff to coach you.
  2. Schedule one-on-one’s with people across your organization, as time permits.  And when you meet, don’t discuss project status.  Ask the person questions about how they are feeling, their stress level, their notions about whether the job is engaging or not, where they want to be in three to five years, what you can do to help them be successful (see #1 above).  Keep it casual and interactive during the engagement.  And don’t force the discussion to meet any particular time frame: don’t cut it off at thirty minutes but also don’t stretch it out to thirty-minutes.  Get to a point where it feels like you’re wrapping up, and then wrap it up!  Take notes if need be.
  3. Setup “Fireside Chats” with groups of your staff members.  When I used to do this, I’d have my assistant set up groups of four or five to meet with, and pick a cross-section of people who may have varying opinions.  She’d then schedule monthly Fireside Chats, each with a different group.  If one of the people selected for a group was generally a “complainer”, we’d also invite someone who was more positive as well.  This keeps the group from moving in too extreme in any particular direction.   That being said, you could also do the exact opposite and say, invite-only people who are concerned or unhappy.   It’s challenging, but it allows you to receive feedback directly on the cause of concern.  It also could make the group more comfortable because they are speaking in a like-minded way.  Caution: if you do this, you want to make sure each person doesn’t simply build on the other’s input to create an artificial angry mob.  Make sure you diffuse discussions because people are shouting – or stop the meeting and reconvene using one-on-one’s, should this occur. During these chats (and you can call them Fireside Chats because it sounds friendly), if you have the option, supply fountain drinks or light snacks.  You want people to be comfortable in speaking to you and open up about their concerns.  And everyone likes free food and drinks!

    If specific people come up in the discussions, ask that the group speak more generally and then speak to you later to provide more specific information.  After all, if someone on your team is causing problems, you want to know so that you can independently verify what’s going on.

    Finally, take notes.  Spend time listening, NOT speaking or defending – no matter how direct the feedback is.  Ask probing questions.  Bring out comments from members of the group who are not saying anything.  At the end, review the notes/action items you took.  You’re not promising you can address every concern, but in my experience, most of the concerns will be fairly straightforward to resolve.

  4. End all staff meetings / stand up meetings with an “open floor”.  Set aside fifteen minutes or more at the end of the meeting to take any questions about anything.  Ask if the staff has heard any good rumors. If you have managers and staff reporting to you, remind your managers before the meeting that this is about staff feedback and not theirs.  If you have managers who want to provide feedback, use a one-on-one, or get all the managers together without staff and ask for their direct feedback.

    Note: if you have managers that may intimidate your staff to not speak, first, don’t invite your managers, and soon thereafter, change their behavior or move the offending manager out of the organization.

  5. Install a suggestion box. There’s no shame in having a simple way for people to provide input.  Make sure paper and a pencil are nearby and check it periodically.  And take the time to acknowledge any suggestions you do receive – especially those that you cannot practically address.
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  6. If you are the leader of an organization, create and distribute a “climate survey”. Make sure the survey is not too lengthy.  Search for samples on the Internet and give people time to complete their surveys.  Include open-ended questions where staff and management can supply unstructured feedback.
  7. Don’t be afraid to strike up a conversation casually when you run into someone in the hall. Listen to me:  if you have a large team, it does not matter if you have forgotten the staff person’s name.  Just say “I’m sorry, I just don’t recall your name”  It won’t be taken as hard as you think.  BUT, if you forget their name repeatedly, then I suggest you practice some memory games. In this hallway conversation, ask honestly how things are going.   Or ask about a specific project or something noteworthy that occurred in your organization.  Make it a casual two to give minute “hello!” and part with “good speaking to you”.  This makes your staff comfortable in seeking you out to provide feedback.

I’ve always used the story that I want my staff to be comfortable saying “hello” when they see me out of the building, or at a store or restaurant.  I use Target as an example as in “if I see you in Target, I don’t want you to be uncomfortable to say hello – or try to avoid running into me.”

Next: How to TAKE feedback

Are You Naked And Don’t Know It?

In the famous tale by Hans Christian Anderson, an Emperor who cares only about his appearance unwittingly hires two shysters who pretend to sew him fantastic new clothes at great cost, but in reality, produce nothing.  They convince the Emperor that only noble people can see such clothes.  The Emperor, despite not seeing the clothes himself, cannot admit as such and thus he walks around naked. When the Emperor shows his ministers, they are too afraid to say anything.  In fact, everyone is afraid to tell the Emporer the truth until he appears in a parade, naked, and a young child with no such pretenses calls out that the Emperor has no clothes!  This cry, taken up by others in the crowd, reaches the Emperor, who continues to walk down the street, still confident that such common people did not have the upbringing to appreciate his wonderful clothes. In scientific terms, this is known as pluralistic ignorance.

How does a 150-year-old tale apply to you and specifically to management?
During the normal course of business, but most notably during staff and departmental meetings and communique, you might find yourself preaching to your staff certain virtues or practices.  Common examples might be:

  • The importance of honest communication
  • Making sure you ask your staff for direct feedback
  • Suggesting that failures are okay as long as we learn something from them
  • Asking everyone to tighten up on expenses
  • Keeping an open door policy
  • Having the ability to publicly admit that you were wrong
  • Turning back an initiative that appears to be less fruitful (or more painful to your staff) than thought at the onset
  • Recognizing and addressing poor performance
  • The importance of avoiding cronyism, and acting impartially

…and so on.

These are all noble and supportable initiatives and can factor in improving the workplace culture and ratcheting up performance.  In the best case, it can socialize to your staff that you understand the importance of these behaviors.  At the same time, you are also suggesting that you (and your management team) will support the behaviors by participating in them.
But are you?
To find out,

you must ask yourself and others: am I adhering to these guidelines?  Most assuredly your staff and peers will know whether you are or are not.  

The only thing more destructive to culture than not establishing such guidelines is not adhering to them personally.
As a good manager, you can often avoid such dangers by following some basic practices:

  1. Keep an open communication channel down to the most junior staff person.  In fact, your newest recruits (much like the tale above) may be the most honest with you.  Longer-term employees may have been blunted by previous attempts to raise concerns.  Meet regularly with staff in a casual environment.
  2. No matter what feedback you receive, be receptive, take note of it, and later ask yourself “is this possibly true?”  It may not be true, but the perception exists so considering it a truth both reinforces that you are willing to take feedback and provides an opportunity to examine what may be causing this perception.
  3. Be careful not to constantly socialize a litany of best behaviors.  Pick certain key behaviors that you feel are key to the success of the organization and make sure you personally live by them.
  4. If you are in senior management, make sure your managers also live by the same behaviors you are suggesting.  Don’t rely on them to report to you whether they do or do not – meet with their staff periodically.
  5. Establish some sort of recurring survey to receive feedback on the culture, then keep an open mind of the feedback you receive.   Act upon the items that are of most concern.
  6. Make sure you treat your staff with the same respect as you treat your management team.  Do you joke and appear at ease with your management team and then tense up with you speak to staff?  If you’re preaching that we’re all in this together, then you need to treat everyone as part of the “we’re all”.

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If you create a culture of trust where everyone believes that management walks the walk, and acts in the best interest of the individual, and thus collectively of the firm, you will have established a high-trust, resilient and positive culture from top to bottom.
And you will be fully clothed.

The Fear of The Fear of Public Speaking

According to StatisticBrain.com, 75% of women and 73% of men suffer from speech anxiety or the fear of public speaking, also known as “glossophobia”. Borrowing from a Jerry Seinfeld routine, he noted that people are more afraid of public speaking than dying, such that “given the choice, people would prefer to be in the casket than delivering the eulogy for the person in the casket.”

About five years ago, I suddenly developed glossophobia. It happened as I approached my 40’s. It struck with horrifying consequences. Suddenly, in the middle of a presentation, I would experience a panic attack. I was unable to continue, my heart racing, and unable to catch my breath. I immediately forgot everything I was going to say. It really frightened me because I had not previously experienced such anxiety. And throughout my life, I’ve been very comfortable presenting in front of very large audiences. I’ve hosted entire IT Conferences, single-handedly, without a trace of serious nervousness. Worst yet, the panic attacks continued. I started dreading doing any presentations and then even conference calls with large audiences. Something had changed and I desperately needed to find out what – and correct it.

“Suddenly, in the middle of a presentation, I would experience a panic attack. I was unable to continue, my heart racing and unable to catch my breath.”

I started searching for examples of others who had experienced such problems and stumbled upon a number of very successful stars who were in a similar situation. Celebrities like Donny Osmond, Leann Rimes, and Paula Dean all struggled with social anxiety and panic attacks.

For me, Osmond was the most intriguing. At the same time, I was searching and coping, I actually happened upon a television special specifically about Osmond’s issues. As he described, in the mid-nineties in the middle of a run of starring in Jason and the Technicolor Dreamcoat, Donny Osmond started suffering panic attacks. The child star who had been performing in front of thousands since age five suddenly was calling in sick, or faking his way through performances. What had happened? He was Donny Osmond! How could he feel such anxiety? How would he correct this? In short, he ended up in lengthy therapy and taking all sorts of anxiety minimizing drugs.

Neither of those options seemed palatable but the idea that others had experienced the same onset of anxiety made me feel that there was hope.
The best part of the situation is that I had a boss that was quite supportive and would keep an eye out for my attacks, jumping in and taking over. He sat and listened to me, in astonishment, as he watched someone who had been so outgoing and confident now nervous about presenting information that I knew very well. I also had peers and direct reports that I confided in who would also rescue me if they noticed me faltering.

Now that I’ve generally been able to address my anxiety without therapy or medication, I want to pass along some tips and techniques that work for me – and some interesting information that I’ve found after speaking to other speakers that I consider dynamic and talented.

The Fear of the Fear
My first revelation was that I was starting to fear the feeling of fear. Having a panic attack is a horrible feeling – one that you don’t forget. After a few panic attacks during presenting, I started to worry well before my next presentation. I was feeling that panic feeling days and weeks before my presentation. It would come and go, but when I had it, it was as if I was presenting and panicking. My brain was making me relive the worst possible moment over and over, and it caused me to dread presenting. Was I having a mental breakdown? Was what I was feeling unique to me?

“My first revelation was that I was starting to fear the feeling of fear. “

I decided to find the answer by approaching my peers who I thought were very good speakers and asking them directly “do you get nervous before presenting?” The answers I received were interesting and reassuring. A summary of the most common answers included:

  • “Yes, I still get a little nervous but once I get going on stage I get over it very quickly.”
  • “Yes, but I would not describe it as nervousness. It’s actually more like adrenalin and I’ve learned to almost like that feeling.”
  • “Yes, I get very nervous, but then I realize that I’m totally prepared and so I talk myself to a more calm state.”
  • And from one speaker who always seems so confident and cool while presenting: “I’m nervous the whole time. I’m not panicked, but in the back of my head, I do get a little edgy. It keeps me on my toes.”

The message was most speakers still feel that twinge of nervousness prior to the limelight, but they are able to muscle through it. Some presenters do a good job of hiding it. Or, they change that nervousness into excitement. Now, this was a technique I could practice! It did feel good to know that even the best speakers have some derivative nervousness just like me. I’m not so special after all, and that was okay with me!

So given my research and my experience, I would like to present the ten things I did to basically overcome my panic attacks and push through the nervousness to present and present well.

1. Prepare
I used to speak completely off the cuff, with few notes. I knew what I wanted to say and was able to pivot quickly. But when nervousness set in I would often find myself completely lost on my next point or not recalling key information that I wanted to pass along.

So, to address this I started actually writing out word for word what I was going to say. I would write it out exactly how I wanted to present it, including pauses, colloquialisms, and interjections, and I would bring those notes to my podium. I didn’t read the notes word for word, but I did skim over them as I spoke. I used this technique early on, knowing that eventually, I would have to abandon this. Presenting while staring at notes standing behind a podium did not exude executive presence. But this gave me a crutch and, early on, helped me get back out in front of people. These days I don’t write out such detailed notes.

2. Improv
Since my early twenties, I had been interested in comedy and improv. I actually had performed some open-mic stand-up comedy while living in Jacksonville and generally enjoyed it. Now, twenty years later, I wondered if improv could help me with my nervousness. I signed up at the venerable SAK comedy theater in Orlando and proceeded to take and pass Levels 1 through 4. I stopped and did not proceed to their Conservatory Classes, something I might take up down the road.

Improv was an interesting experience. I had always thought (and received feedback) that I was quick, clever, and funny. So I had a high level of confidence. What I found was that there are a LOT of people who are funny – and it felt like most were funnier and quicker than I was. It was a unique experience, both enjoyable and humbling. I had a fantastic instructor in Level 1 named “Bob Kodzis” who was quite supportive. I made a number of friends that I still have today.

Through Improv, I found confidence in performing, especially since Levels 1 and 4 had a “showcase” at the end where we put on a real show in front of a live audience. It was nerve-wracking and exhilarating – and great fun.
What Improv taught me was that I could stand in front of a group and talk about anything without any preparation. I didn’t need notes and could come up with material without much effort. It was a great confidence booster.

I think of this when I find myself nervous. I say to myself “heck, I could get up there and get an offer from the audience and create a whole scene, so presenting material I already know will be a breeze!” This helped.

3. Reality Check
Sometimes as I’m about to present, I think to myself “in an hour I’ll be back at my desk and this will be behind me”. I practice “mindfulness” and try to take myself out of the “right now” and think about what is happening to me as if I was a spectator.

Mindfulness is a useful technique that I use even when I’m not presenting.

4. Break Up The Monotony
Having to present twenty PowerPoint slides full of material is not only boring to the audience but it is also stress-inducing. It’s just talking and talking, and it is difficult to allow for a few seconds of silence to catch your breath. So, now I try to add some multimedia. This accomplishes three things:

  • It allows me time to be “off-stage” and catch my breath
  • It provides for more a more interesting presentation
  • It breaks my presentation into thirds or quarters and this allows me to track my progress towards completion.

I’m not suggesting that you pepper your presentation with home movies or clips from South Park. Any multimedia needs to be pertinent and appropriate. Also, it cannot be too long. A few minutes tops. And you should introduce the clip and summarize it afterward.

Another technique I have is that I might find a co-presenter for materials or parts of the presentation. I introduce an expert to provide some additional insight. Again, this has to be well thought out and appropriate. And nowadays I don’t use this technique, though I found it helpful early on.

5. A Life Line
I found that having an outlet available takes away some of the anxiety. That is, I have one or more people who can answer any questions or elaborate on a particular point. This is like a co-presenter except that these individuals stay out in the audience. I may even let them know that “I might ask you to elaborate on this” so that they can be prepared.

If I became nervous, I could always say “hey Eric, what would you say is our potential list of customers” and let Eric expound on this. I would use this time to take a drink of water and gather myself.
But here’s the key, just knowing that I have that lifeline takes away a lot of anxiety. I rarely now have to use these lifelines.

6. Turn Anxiety into Excitement
Like one of the survey takers said to me, nervousness and excitement are closely related emotions. I practiced turning my nervousness into excitement. I’d say to myself “Hey! I’m getting the chance to present and many people will not get this chance!” I knew that I do present very well and always get great feedback, so this is yet another chance to spread this joy to more people. I talk myself into being excited about the upcoming presentation. And when it goes well, I congratulate myself privately on doing a good job.

7. Calm Down
When you are about to go on, your nervousness can often peak, causing your heart to race and your breathing to speed up. I’ve found that forcing yourself to breathe deeply and slowly, and paying attention to how you are controlling your heart rate can actually make yourself feel calmer. This gives you the ability to control your body and your reaction.

Some people may need a relaxant to prepare for a particularly stressful presentation. And while I do not, I know others who do and find this useful. The challenge is not to look “drugged up” unless you’re presenting in front of pharmaceutical companies.

8. Take Notes While Waiting to Present
One of the funniest things in comedy is called a “call back”, which in general is a reference to something that has already occurred. While waiting to go on, always have a notepad and pen with you. Take note of things the previous speaker said that you can emphasize as well. Also, sometimes things said can be used for humor. The current speaker may mention something that you can use as a light, personable attempt at humor. Have your presentation printed out and with you, and flip through it (quietly) as the current speaker speaks and annotate points that they made that you can make on the appropriate slide.

I recall one example where my boss’ boss presented something before me that was about the traits they are looking for to fill a particular position. The words he used included “never let you down”, “never give up”, “never lie” and to me, this sounded like the lyrics to the Rick Astley song “Never Gonna Give You Up”. I made a note, tried to remember and wrote down the various phrases in the song, and then suggested in my presentation that Rick Astley could be the right person. Got a solid laugh and put me at ease. In fact, as I read off the lyrics to the song, people quickly knew what I was doing, but I methodically went through the lyrics to the end before I announced Rick’s name as the best candidate.

By the way, taking notes has the added benefit of taking your mind off your presentation.

9. Rehearse
An easy technique to help with nerves. Rehearse and rehearse again. Driving to work, speak out loud to yourself, and pretend you are presenting. Time yourself. Record yourself. But in general, know your material and your speaking points. This helps stem a key facet of insecurity while presenting.

10. Stand on Stage Beforehand
A simple technique that helps me is to get up on the stage prior to the session being opened. Walk around the stage to every edge. Look out over the empty chairs. Imagine what it will be like when there are people in those seats. Get comfortable with the layout of the stage, the location of the podium, the controls you will need to flip through your slides.

Also note that in presentations on large stages with a sizable audience, you will likely have spotlights on you. This has two effects: it makes it quite warm on stage, so be prepared to sweat. And it makes it difficult to actually see the audience. It’s why performers ask for the house lights to be brought up when addressing the audience. But it can help you because if feels like you’re presenting to an empty room. Sometimes you can see a few rows upfront and that’s good because it gives you some feedback.

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I can’t say that these techniques will work for you. Heck, you may need lengthy therapy and medication – and there’s nothing wrong with that. But if you’re like me, just knowing that others have similar problems can make you feel a little more confident that you, as well, can address the fear of public speaking. And maybe using some of these techniques you can get back to giving knock-out presentations.